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  • 2022: Exploding Belly

    2022: Exploding Belly

    Welcome to chapter 8 of Madness, Mayhem and Memories.

    Now today, we’re in Budapest. March 2nd 2022 to March 5th 2022. It was an early 15th birthday present and it was the first time I travelled away for my birthday in 3 years.

    We decided to go to Budapest at random in early January 2022, while we were in a cafe having a full English and we were discussing where to go. We decided on Budapest and the only dates that dad and Nicole had on their schedules that were close to my birthday were 2nd to the 5th March so we booked it for those dates. 

    March 2nd: I was at school and I was there until 12:20 PM, I was in art when my name was called on the tanoid to go to reception. I said goodbye to everyone then left to go to reception.

    Dad said that my name was said on the tanoid 5 times even though I only heard it once. We drove home, I packed my bag, I had a Pot Noodle for lunch then we headed into the car to Stansted airport. 

    Dad and Nicole had McDonalds for lunch and we had a conversation in the car before entering the airport.

    Unlike Basel, there was actually a queue for security this time. It took about 10 minutes but it felt like an hour before we walked into Duty Free and went into the extremely small waiting zone. We felt really crowded in there.

    There was a guy we saw in Duty Free, who was reporting for the BBC on the Ukraine war. We had a short conversation with him then we went our separate ways. Is he dead? Is he alive? I dont know the answer. I never will. 

    We wandered around all the shops and looked inside them to try to kill time. Within 20 minutes we were back in Duty Free again. We were growing increasingly bored and agitated just waiting for our gate number to be revealed because as I mentioned before, Stansted is EXTREMELY SMALL!!!! So once you enter that waiting room, you’re stuck there for hours just begging for time to kill itself so you can board your fucking plane!

    When we actually got to board the fucking plane we had a bit of a problem. The plane was fucking packed, almost full. I was surprised because our thought pattern was that ‘no one really goes to Budapest in the very beginning of March so the plane would be empty’ 

    Of course we were wrong because it’s no fun being right.

    There were some seats available but they were scattered across the plane and for a few moments I had to sit by myself near some guy who I didn’t know,  that was my position until dad found a row of 3. I took the window seat because I just wanted to listen to music and write in my journal. 

    We landed in Budapest at around 9PM, the airport was modernised, much to dad’s surprise. The toilet doors were automatic and the floors were marble. They had yellow taxis, akin to New York! I saw a couple make out by the exit and hopped into this woman’s silver Volkswagen (I’ll call her Tracey) . She couldn’t speak English very well and she was the one responsible for not leaving us as roadkill on the side of the motorway then I spotted something amazing, a reminder of home. 

    Big Tesco. They have Tesco’s in Budapest! 1443 HUF meal deal just doesn’t have the same ring to it though.  

    I was just peacefully sitting in the car when I heard something that sounded a bit like WAP but then I heard these words through the shitty car speaker. 

    “Shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me” 

    Tracey put on Shake That by Eminem and Nate Dogg! It’s the song I associate with Budapest because why not? 

    We drove into the city centre and we were dropped off at the wrong corner. We were wandering around trying to find our hotel in the cold Hungarian night. We were walking all around the city to try and ask people where our hotel was, it took about 15 minutes and we had to use Google Maps to try to find it. We had almost lost all hope by the time we found it but we eventually did.

    To go inside the hotel, you had to enter a code. We entered the code and went in. To get to the staircase you had to enter a code and dad got sent the code wrong so he had to text the hotel manager what the code was. The guy gave out the new, correct code. We managed to get it, we were walking up the 1800’s themed stairs and there was no light, it had a very eerie vibe to it. 

    We had walked up the stairs and there were three doors to walk into. One to the hostel, one to the Thai hotel and the other to the apartments. All of this inside one building. 

    We had to enter a code to get into the apartments and once we did that. We had to walk down the dark, thin walkway and we had to use dad’s phone light in order to unlock the code because the key was behind the code. We grabbed the key and finally, we managed to get inside the apartment and oh my fucking lord! It was so beautiful once we got inside!

    There were glass stairs with a tiny gap between each step, we had double beds that had plush navy blue headings and the bed was alright. 

    The walls were white and so was the floor. The sofa was blue and the table was glass. The windows had shutters and there were little lights by the stairs that brightened up the room even more. 

    This luxurious style was too good to be true though. 

    Some of the lights by the stairs were broken and the kitchen was the main flaw. The cooker flat out didn’t work! Dad tried looking around the plugs and electrical system to see if the cooker could work but alas it couldn’t  and we were exhausted by the time dad had muddled around with the cooker. It was 11PM, we were hanging on by a thread due to us spending literally half the day travelling.

    So we went to the shops to buy tea bags and eggs and I had forgotten to wear a mask since in the UK, it’s no big deal due to COVID being non-existent but not in Budapest, you HAD to wear your mask. The excuses for me not wearing it weren’t exactly aligning. Dad said it’s because of asthma, Nicole said it was because of autism. I am autistic but that’s not the reason why I forgot to wear a mask.

    The reason I forgot to bring a mask is because I forgot to bring a mask. 

    We left to go back to the hotel and we had scrambled eggs on toast and a cup of tea before getting ready for bed and waking up to a new ‘morrow. 

    March 3rd: I woke up, chilled in bed then got ready for the day. I was the last to enter the shower and after 10 minutes of having hot water pour over my body, the water turned an unsatisfying lukewarm and I tried fucking with the setting the shower settings to get it back to the warm that it was but it wouldn’t go back to warm so I turned the shower off and  got dressed ready for a day of wandering around Budapest. 

    We stopped at this stall, it was quaint and brown. It sold chimneys, chimneys are cylinder shaped dough without the ends. We chose the chocolate option. We paid then started walking with our chimneys. 

    The moment before disaster!!

    Me and dad unravelled our chimneys. I took one bite and discovered that it was freezing cold and tough to bite into. I asked dad if his chimney was cold, he said “no, why?” I answered back “mine is” and we swapped chimneys. His chimney was warm and easy to tear my teeth into. 

    We kept wandering and saw a big wheel, it looked alike to the London Eye but couldn’t they be less similar. 

    But it was before 11AM, when the big wheel opened so to kill time we went for drinks. Apparently they love their coffee so much that they don’t serve tea. 

    I’m a pastry eating, Inbetweeners watching, tea drinking Brit. So when they said no tea, a giant fire of rage started bursting in me but I kept my cool and just ordered a hot chocolate, which turned out to be bitter.  

    We went on the big wheel and it gave you a bird eye’s view of Budapest. Every nook and cranny was suddenly visible to us. Dad talked about maybe going to Kiev, Ukraine someday, after the war is over. I was just admiring the view around me while dad was rambling. 

    Remember how I said it was nothing like the London Eye. Let’s make some comparisons between the two.

    The London Eye is EXTREMELY SLOW meanwhile The Ferris Wheel is quite quick

    The London Eye only goes around once. The Ferris Wheel goes around a few times so you can spot details that you didn’t spot the previous few times round the wheel. 

    The London Eye is a pod full of different people but The Ferris Wheel gives you a compartment to yourself so others dont interrupt your time sightseeing. 

    And that’s just a few differences between the two!

    Me on the ferris wheel

    The ride stopped and we kept wandering onward in the city. We spotted an array of beautiful buildings and then we walked towards the boat and went on it. We walked towards the upper floor and chose our seats. There was no commentary coming from the speakers and we were confused so I walked downstairs to the snack counter and asked for three pairs of headphones. They were free, which is good because I had no money. I walked upstairs and gave two pairs to dad and Nicole and gave a pair to myself. I plugged the lead into the machine, selected English as my language and listened to the commentary the man gave. I was staring at the beautiful buildings with colours of gold, red, green and white coated all over them. 

    Me and Nicole on the boat

    I noticed that I couldn’t hear the commentary in my left ear and I thought it was due to the fluffy bit of the headphones so I took them off but the left headphone still wouldn’t fucking work and it also rubbed against my ear so I took it out and saw that it had literally had less holes in it than the right headphone. Someone had literally fucked with the design and now my ear hurt and I could only hear half of the commentary. I’d sue if I had to pay for those headphones.

    Some of the buildings I saw on the boat trip!

    I went to take a piss and as I was walking to the toilet, I smelt something horrifying. I was borderline choking on the smell. Raw sewage was the smell. I felt like my lungs had collapsed inside of me. 

    We got off the boat and thought “lunch” and headed into a restaurant and I had fried eggs on toast, dad had goulash and Nicole had a few sandwiches. We ended up talking and just enjoying our food. Fun fact about this restaurant is that it is connected to a Burger King. 

    Our lunch!!!

    We go to a Flying Tiger, I wanted to find the ukulele that was sold in the Basel Flying Tiger because since that trip I had learned to play so I searched all over the store for the ukulele and turns out there was none and that made me upset because I wanted to prove that I can play the ukulele. Instead I caught some weird things being sold like something called “Love in a Can” I still have no clue what the fuck it is and I never will.  

    It’s a weird little store but it definitely makes my day every time I get to go in it and I got a sparkly sequin notebook from there.

    Things at the Flying tiger

    We went to a market and we thought it would be like Greenwich Market with its weird items and delicious food that you could eat for days but nope, this market was literally just stalls and stalls of just fruit and vegetables and more fruit and vegetables. Obviously when it’s just fruit and vegetables, you get bored very easily so we wandered out and kept wandering.

    We went to a cafe and ordered drinks. Dad and Nicole had lattes and I had a cup of English breakfast tea and that is a valuable commodity in Budapest as I need tea at least twice a day at minimum and Budapest definitely doesn’t fulfil my tea addiction. 

    Dad talked about where else we could go for our city breaks and he brought up Cork, Ireland and this was my thought process: 


    We went back to the hotel to relax for a couple hours and then we went out to the Captain Cook Pub to have pre-dinner drinks. We sat at a tiny table and dad and Nicole had lattes and I asked for English Breakfast tea, not a hard ask right. Well the waitress said she didn’t have any English Breakfast tea so she offered Earl Grey, me being none the wiser said “Yeah, that’s fine” 

    I got the tea and took a tiny sip just to see what it’s like and it tasted like  diluted lemon wipes as if someone just twisted the wipe to get the flavour out of it and dumped that into a cup. I couldn’t even taste a hint of tea so instantly I was just disgusted and I waited for dad and Nicole to finish their drinks. 

    We then headed into a nearby restaurant and the first thing we noticed was the music playing. There was this duo playing. A woman on the violin and a man playing this deconstructed piano. It’s the only way I can describe it because it doesn’t look like a piano but it does look like one though, its a strange thing. 

    I had mushroom tagliatelle, dad had chicken with dumplings and Nicole had pork medallions.

    Us at dinner

    I kept interacting with the duo, telling them how good their performance was.

    We walked to the hotel with full bellies and we walked up the haunted stairs when some uni students were walking up those same stairs and it turned out that there were lights! We were just too dumb to find them but these uni students were clearly smarter than us 3 combined. 

    We headed into bed and slept until a new day. 

    March 4th: I woke up at 7:50 AM that day and washed my face, brushed my teeth and got dressed. I had a few Doritos to fill me up a little while watching the people from the window. Dad and Nicole got ready and we headed out to the thermal baths.

    We were walking down the street, and yes it was just one very long street. We saw embassies and shops alike. We were walking down this street in pure hunger, begging ourselves to get something to eat but doing nothing about it. 

    By the time we finished the 45 minute walk, we were starving so we stopped at a little station for food and drinks. We saw that they sold chimneys, however to get a fresh one would take 10 minutes, the lady said. We didn’t have that time we needed to get to the thermal baths so dad and Nicole ordered lattes and I ordered water. 

    Heres the real kicker. The lattes were cold and the water was warm so we ditched the drinks and headed out. 

    We went over to a little restaurant, ok. It was a knock off KFC, we ordered some food. It was chicken and chips. Flavourless and dry. Very dry. No sauce could fix that so I just had those dry ass chicken strips so I just shoved them in my mouth and hoped for the best, after all it was breakfast at 11AM, we were fucking starving because my dad had forgotten to get us food. 

    This restaurant was next door to a zoo. Thought I’d throw that out there. 

    With breakfast completed, we headed out to the thermal baths. Dad was at the counter trying to convince the receptionist that I was in fact 16 years old. I was staring at the mosaic ceilings, the walls made of gold and every new thing was like finding hidden treasure. It was made to invite me to jump in the baths. I love shiny things, I’m quite simple really.

    The reception of the thermal baths!

    Me and Nicole went into the women’s changing rooms and when I entered the changing rooms I saw an array of naked women. Now in any other context, it sounds like HEAVEN but I just wanted to get changed for swimming (I already had my swimsuit on underneath my clothes so I was fine) I was worried that they’d all judge me for my body and make catty comments about it. I don’t like the idea of communal changing because I didn’t consent to seeing naked women around me. I saw a woman who looked about 9 months pregnant and her belly looked like it was about to explode all over the floor. The veins of her belly were popping out, exposed to the entire changing room like it was going to pop like a balloon.

    We had put our stuff in the locker. We sat outside the changing rooms waiting for dad to meet us. We waited a little while but eventually he greeted us. 

    We walked over to the indoor pool expecting it to be warm and lovely. It wasn’t lovely in the fucking slightest. It was cold, crowded and when I took my hand out of the water, I smelt BLOOD on my hand! I was scared that someone had bled to death in the pool and asked Dad and Nicole to get out of the water and we did, we rushed across the hall to try to find the outside. Cold bath after cold bath filled with people not knowing about the warmth and pleasure that was on the outside. I felt almost sorry for them.

    We found the outside and headed into the first outdoor pool, it was lukewarm and it felt like it was a waste of time to actually be here so we got out until we got in the back pool and the second we stepped our toes in that back pool, suddenly it was all worth it to be here. That 45 minute walk was worth it at last. 

    The warmth on our feet and our whole bodies was amazing, it was like a freshly run bath, we were elated to be there. I spent my time just casually swimming and witnessing the others at this pool and I noticed some strange things indeed. 

    There were people wearing beanies, People going on their phones in the pool (I ain’t paying for the fucking damages) and there were a couple of old guys playing chess at the poolside. 

    Is this normal in Hungary or were the drinks spiked with LSD that day? 

    I saw the smokescreen covering the yellow building, a curiosity into not only how warm the pool was but what was behind it.

    That beautiful yellow building, Central Europe has some of the beautiful buildings. Architecture, so beautiful and delicately poised. London is so drab and grey in comparison, so meh. Yet another concrete jungle to ruin the history of a city. 

    We spent a good hour or so in that bath just enjoying the warm bath in contrast to the cold. The bath must’ve been around 42°C meanwhile the actual air temperature was only 5°C. We kept talking about how my friends were doing boring school work while I was swimming around in the Budapest bath. 

    We’d sneak into the sauna on and off, out of the pool and into the sauna. We could only stay for about 2 minutes before my lips would start to feel like they were being fried to a crisp. So we’d return to the exposure of the cold and run back into the bath. Then we’d do it again a couple more times.

    Me and Nicole coming out of the pool

    Eventually after a while, we got bored and we got out and I told dad I was going to find a changing room. I climbed up the stairs and locked the cabin door and got dressed into normal clothes. I met up with them and we headed out, me dreading the 45 minute walk but then we saw something, a metro station.

    That’s We’re Dumb #2. 

    We entered and we paid for our tickets. It was 1050 HUF (£2:24) for 3 tickets! THAT’S A FUCKING BARGAIN PEOPLE!!!!!! 

    Top left: the buzzer, Top left: me talking to dad Bottom left: the train map, Bottom right: me getting on the train

    So we waited a couple minutes then got on the train to the hotel. They let you know that we were going to leave to go to a new station. There was this buzzer that buzzed loud and turned orange and then the train would depart. It took 4 stations until we reached our one. 

    We walked to the hotel and dumped our bags in the hotel room then left again. 

    We went back to the Flying Tiger and got two of the same notebook as I got for Avery and Maddie. One for Avery and one for Maddie.

    We went to a cafe and they actually had English breakfast tea!!!!! Finally I had a soothing cup of tea that I truly deserved! The lady at the counter talked about the lake that counts as a sea since Hungary is landlocked. According to her, the lake is crowded at summertime and she talked about how she goes with her family every summer. 

    We went wandering after our drinks and then we walked into a pub; I had my pink-lidded water and dad and Nicole had their beers. We sat drinking until we met a couple of Scouse girls who talked about their holidays and how they were in Budapest for their mates’ hen-do. 

    Hunger led us to leave the bar and after a few minutes, we found a restaurant. We hung up our coats on the peg and we sat in our seat. 

    There was a twinkling shade of purple shining from the lights magic it was but let’s focus on the dinner. 

    Dad and Nicole had steak and I had pork medallions and circular potatoes; the dinner turned reflective about how the holiday and all the holidays prior to this one. 

    We talked about the weird idea of Avery and Maddie joining us on these wintery European adventures but then we realized: NO! They’d fucking hate it! They would complain about how it’s too cold (because its fucking winter when we go) or their feet hurt after walking a few steps. 

    They’d beg to have a Starbucks after about 5 minutes of walking when we walk for hours without getting a drink and we only support local businesses abroad anyway. They’d be bored of looking at the buildings anyway!

    We all came to the unison thought that it’s not their scene and it’s better to have the city breaks just us three and have the summer holidays be all 5 of us.

    To think that Maddie is the same age as I was when these European travels began in 2017!

    We finished our food and we walked back to the hotel, through the not-so-haunted stairs, through the multiple locks to our hotel room. I had a shower and a cup of tea before getting ready for bed and setting my alarm for 4:45AM and hopping into bed. 

    Sleeping was difficult as the giant window in the hotel room was very thin and so you could hear the Budapest traffic run across the road and when you’ve got a 7:15 AM flight the next day, you would’ve been as hella pissed as I was.

    I managed to get to sleep until the alarm rang the next day…..

    March 5th: My 4:45 AM alarm pierced my ears and I crawled out of bed and got ready and packed up my things. I didn’t want to leave but all good things come to an end. 

    5:10AM, our taxi to the airport arrived, we got in and I saw the Big Tesco again. We arrived at the airport at 5:40 AM and immediately Nicole wasn’t feeling well due to having a sore throat but we eventually went through security and Duty Free. We sat in the waiting room and  Nicole fell asleep on one of the chairs and me and dad left our bags with her while we got “breakfast”.

    We looked everywhere until we found a little stall that sold sandwiches. We got a bacon, scrambled egg sandwich in multi-seeded bread. 

    We went back to the waiting room with Nicole and had our “breakfast”. Dad ate the bacon out of the sandwich and I just ate the scraps of egg that was in the sandwich.

    We went to our gate and boarded our plane and we went all the way to Stansted in peace. 

    Early morning flight home!

    We landed at Stansted and we climbed up and down some flights of stairs. I struggled to do the eye passport thing, I tried my hardest and I did it three times but I still struggled and was growing frustrated. 

    We moved to the actual passport control bit and I saw the best thing ever! An empty passport control! This never happens ever so for me to witness this was nothing short of a fucking miracle! Keep in mind, this is 7AM on the first Saturday of March. 

    We were growing tired, especially me. All I wanted to do was go to bed and snooze until next month but I used all my strength to walk to the car and get in the backseat. 

    We were greeted by the cat and I hopped into my room and just sat there all day and went to bed at 9PM due to pure exhaustion.

    And that’s the end of Chapter 8 of Madness, Mayhem and Memories. I’ll have to write stories about my other experiences and dont worry I have a shit ton of them to tell, suggest a theme and I’ll write about them. 

    Bye for now – Emily 

  • 2021: Heartbreak Airlines

    2021: Heartbreak Airlines

    So the pandemic delayed several city breaks and where this story takes place was meant as a 13th birthday present but obviously due to Britain going into lockdown THE DAY I was meant to go! It meant I couldn’t go until November 2021 and that holiday was what I can only call a disaster! Welcome to Chapter 7 of madness, mayhem and memories.

    I was dating a guy (who I’ll call) Brock from September 14th 2021 – November 10th 2021. This story only touches on the break-up a little bit as this series focuses on my city breaks.

    So November 10th 2021, I was at school, art to be specific and I noticed that Brock wasn’t in class so I went to check up on him and he looked tired before slowly getting into class.

    At 12:30PM, it was lunch time, Brock was talking to Caleb and Elliot and I wanted to join since I was friends with Elliot and Caleb and dating Brock so I deserve to join in but it was like being an eavesdropper meanwhile Elliot was talking about his grandad’s backyard bar.

    15 minutes later, the tanoid called me to reception, I said goodbye to everyone, particularly Brock and ran to reception. I went home with my dad, ate McDonalds for lunch, emptied my bag, put my things in it,  then headed in the car for London Gatwick. 

    We arrived and there was no queue for security, we were out of there in 5 minutes, I only got my arms patted down this time luckily. We were in Red Lion, having a cup of tea and talking about how my cat, Daisy, was shitting everywhere. Also I went to get milk for my tea and I didn’t know how to use the jug. Turns out there was a thing you pressed that basically made the jug pour out the milk and I walked back to the table and drank my tea.

    I saw the gate number and the three of us went to the gate and I was filled with joy, ready to tell Brock about my exciting time in Basel, Switzerland.

    The only exciting part of the flight was me washing my hands and some woman had opened the toilet door because  I forgot to lock it. I had a small chuckle, returned to my seat and sat there until we landed, it was around 8:50PM. I turned airplane mode off and looked at Whatsapp and here’s the two texts that were shared 

    Brock: Can I call? I need to tell you something
    Me: No, I’m busy for the next two days

    I put my phone in my bag and walked to passport control, the guy asked us if we were going to France or Switzerland. We said “Switzerland” and off we went into the airport bus. 

    We got on the bus, got our masks on and sat in our seats. I got my phone out, checked Whatsapp and that’s where the disaster struck.

    Here’s a little fact : Brock asked Caleb how to break up with me via text, thinking Caleb was some relationship God.

    Now here’s a transcript on what was said between me and Brock:

    Brock: I’ve gotta tell you something

    Me: what?
    Brock: I wanna break up with you

    Brock: *inserts why he wants to break up with me*

    Me: im sorry 

    The place where it all happened!

    I stared out of the window, the atmosphere was perfect for the scenario. It was cold, bleak, mid-November and dark out. I couldn’t cry nor did I want to. We headed into the centre. We asked this guy called Alex and he toured us around to the centre until we saw our hotel. 

    I was too busy thinking about Brock and the break up to really pay attention to Alex. It was so cold and I was sad but I didn’t show it, I focused on the buildings and the moon. After we arrived at Hotel Rochat. We were greeted by the lady at reception, who told us that most of the restaurants were closed at this time of night. It was around 9:30 PM, she also gave us this thing called a Basel ticket. It gave us free bus and tram rides as well as 50% off the museums here.

    We only carried backpacks with us so we put them in our room and went out for dinner.

    It was quite nice actually, it had a spacious bathroom, a single bed for me, a double bed for Nicole and dad, a desk, a kettle and a large TV. 

    It looked like a regular normal hotel room for the three of us. Which for us 3, is defiently a first!

    We went to the Indian next door, we hung up our coats and got seated. We ended up talking and then ordered our food. I did a bit of stupid because I didn’t realize that at a curry, you could order mild flavouring, so I ended up having a really spicy cauliflower and potato curry. Me, dad and Nicole ended up mixing and matching our food to have a try of each other’s dishes. Dad said mine was the best. Everything was completely fine until dad saw the bill, it was £100 and that’s how the £100 curry was born. Also the guy at the restaurant said that most restaurants around here don’t close until 11PM so the bitch at reception was lying!

    Me at the restaurant!

    We went back to the hotel, I had a shower, wrote in my diary at the desk while listening to Oversimplified and went to sleep. 

    November 11th: I woke up, grabbed my phone and saw the texts from Brock. I was too emotionally attached to him to block him. I decided to get ready for the day ahead, near us there were these Mediaeval style buildings on the left side of that path, they dated back to the 1300s! 

    For breakfast, we headed to a cafe called Luna. To add insult to injury, I had the worst “treat” to ever exist.

    It was a disgusting mixture of powdered icing sugar and orange. I took the first bite and immediately wanted to throw it up, so I spat in a napkin and threw the spit-filled napkin in a bin.

    We ended up ordering honey-glazed croissants and drinks to start our day.

    In that restaurant, I remember eavesdropping on a conversation. It was in German and these two uni-age people were talking. I tried to 

     We wandered around and we found this store that sold bottles with a liquid, split in half with each half being a different colour! The lady who ran the place was super sweet and explained to me that it’s part of colour therapy. I wanted to hear more but I was dragged out by my dad. 

    We walked towards the three points and we realized we were fucking thirsty so we entred Flore, a cafe that still hadn’t taken out their skeleton statue into the cupboard. I had my tea in a teapot that looked like it had dwarfism. 

    I got bored of waiting and there was more of the cafe that I hadn’t seen yet so I headed down the hallway to see a piano. I decided to play on it, to refresh my skill of playing random notes close together to create music. A skill that I have since lost. I wore a fedora while playing. 

    Nicole said she really enjoyed my playing! We left after that to find the 3 points, with the help of the waiter. Also don’t underestimate the weight of an accordian! 

    We went on the tram, it stopped and we walked down to the port and we smelt something fucking awful, we almost threw up due to the smell. Some poor bastard had the job of emptying a boat’s drain and it smelt like shit, vomit and piss mixed together so we held our breath and ran towards the three points. 

    We saw the statue after asking some guy where it was. All I got from him was “300 metres” so we headed towards the three points.

    It wasn’t anything major, it was just a grey statue pointing to the countries that border Basel. France and Germany. I made a video, said the names while pointing at the wrong thing.

    There aren’t any signs of the three points so you’ve got to be on the look-out for it if you want to see it. 

    We went to the Flying Tiger, we looked all around the store and 

    I noticed something, a ukulele. I looked up some chords and started playing but since I was really shit at it, nothing intelligible came out.

    The ukulele!

    And guess what I got for that Christmas? Yep a uke! That’s what started my music career! 

    We headed towards a little sandwich place. It had the dont speak evil, don’t hear evil, don’t see evil monkeys as a statue and we had these sandwiches. They were perfectly ordinary but they cost 50 CHF (£44.09) 

    The three monkeys

    For three fucking sandwiches!

    We went back to the hotel for a few hours to chill before going for dinner. 

    We went to a bar to have a drink, put on our masks and entered the bar. The bartender was such a dick to us demanding I.D!

    We didn’t have any on us! 

    For the few minutes that I was there, I managed to get a few photos of the mannequin legs hanging from the ceiling. Almost as if a blind fetishist designed the decor! 

    We left and entered a new bar, it had 80s neon signs and I kept checking Whatsapp because of my emotional dependence on Brock. 

    We went for dinner in this little burger place. They also demanded I.D (for COVID vaccine passport) but they let us in and it was this little quaint place! 

    They had swings for chairs and they had little birdhouses as well. We talked about how the city breaks have been for us  and ate our burgers. They were absolutely delicious, we loved it! I also ordered a chocolate brownie that was also good. 

    Me eating dessert!

    We arrived back in the hotel, dad and Nicole watched some TV. I spent my night obsessing more over Brock and went to sleep.

    November 12th: I woke up at 8AM, got ready and headed towards the city. 

    We entered this little restaurant and had breakfast. Dad and Nicole had croissants and I had a spinach and ricotta pastry. 

    Suddenly I needed to have a piss, trying to find the toilet. I searched around the restaurants; almost got lost until I found a staircase. The more I went down it, the darker it got. The stairs were endless and then I reached the end. 

    Pitch fucking black, I had to turn on the light and there was this washing and storage room so I had to keep walking until I finally found the toilet then walked back up the stairs.

    We went wandering around for a couple hours, seeing the flats and centres of business. 

    We were walking across a bridge and suddenly heard a large boom of disco music. It lasted for just a second and then someone gave us this religious pamphlet. There was a hymn in it that if sung, sounds like Wellerman by Nathan Evans. 

    We ended up at a bar. We had drinks and we discussed dad’s idea to retire in Spain. We sat in front of a fire, a contrast to the November cold hitting my back. The fire was warm and I drank my tea and even forgot about Brock for a few seconds.

    We went to a food market. Me and Nicole bought Thai noodles and dad had a makeshift hotdog, we had our food at a table with no chairs and there was this beggar who kept asking for money. Every time he asked, we declined.

    We went into this shop and it was covered in shit for Christmas. I kept wandering like I typically do and I saw some mascara. The packaging was blue so I thought the mascara was blue. Like a fucking retard.

    A member of staff said “if you open it, you pay for it” I replied “no, I’m just looking” and put it back. We both moved on with our lives.

    We headed to a cafe, it had a propeller on the wall and dad and Nicole started arguing about who’s gonna be driving home despite the fact that we wouldn’t be going home for another 9-10 hours yet. This is because Nicole had ordered a beer, my dad decided to argue on holiday because god forbid he go 48 hours without having a shouting match with someone.

    I had a really nice hot chocolate and read an article on BBC about women who got arrested for having miscarriages in the USA. It’s really fucking anger-inducing! And with those two arguing next to me, I just drank my drink and we left soon after that. 

    We went inside the beautiful red building that stands out in the square. Turns out it’s a town hall, all of the decisions for Basel are made there. .

    There are also pictures of naked babies smothering the walls. It kinda grossed me out but glad to know that Jimmy Saville has taken up art…

    We went walking and spotted a chocolate store. We entered it and the array of chocolate, I wanted to eat it all. I settled on getting a milk chocolate slab and we shared it. It should be ILLEGAL to not eat chocolate in Switzerland! 

    The slab of chocolate

    It was mouth-watering, every bite felt like fucking heaven! I saved a little bit because dinner was on the way. We headed towards the McDonalds and since we had our flight to catch in mere hours from then.

    We entered and we ordered our food. Dad and Nicole had burgers, I had chicken strips and I found out that Nicole only worked 10 hours a week! 

    ONLY TEN FUCKING HOURS A WEEK! I do more work on my music and my blog then what she does a week!

    The toilet in fact had a code to get in it so to be able to use it, you had to order food. The code for it was 4051, if you wanted to sneak in and take a piss. 

    The food actually had FLAVOUR!! Unlike the McDonalds in Britain which tastes like cardboard and salt but in Switzerland, you can actually taste flavour in the chicken strips.

    We wandered around the city a little more until we all decided to go on the No.31 bus then we waited for another bus, the No.50 and we waited in the pitch black freezing cold for about 10 minutes until the other bus arrived and we hopped on it then arrived back at the airport of bad luck and wandered around, noticing a Swiss bottle with a smiley face exact to Dream’s profile picture.

    We went to the French part of the border, you could tell because the language shifted from German to French. You could tell by all the magazines, after going in Relay and looking around there for 20 minutes or so. 

    We went to the airport cafe, ordered tea and sat there for an hour. I was texting Brock, he said he was feeling shit, I said I had a good time while I was away. He then had the BALLS to ask me. “did you meet anyone new?” 

    Airport cafe!

    Oh, oh yes Brock, I have indeed meet a 6’3 gym bro who coincidentally is rich and majored in Art History despite the fact I’m a teenage spastic…..

    I think Brock is fucking retarded because OBVIOUSLY I haven’t met anyone new because I’ve been in a foriegn country where no one speaks English, I haven’t seen anyone my age out there, I was with my dad and stepmum also I WAS GETTING OVER HIM. I was already feeling like shit but I didn’t know that he was a retard as well as an asshole. 

    He told me that he met two girls yesterday in his local high street. He said he fancied them but he’s still talking to his ex, aka: Me! I wonder how these girls are doing now. Are they with him or is he spending his nights wanking to their selfies while they live their lives? 

    I  ended walking around this now empty cafe while I blocked Brock because I was sick of his shit. Nicole asked me to send a few photos of the holiday to her while we waited for dad to come back from the toilet so I sent them. 

    We walked through security and onto the boarding queue and it took fucking ages. Sweltering, that’s how hot the room was. We waited for what felt like ages to even move a centimetre because of these speedy boarding cunts who took ages to explain everything so we were stuck for ages. I ate the rest of the chocolate that we had bought from the chocolate store earlier and I ate it due to fucking boredom.

    When we left the sweltering boarding queue and entered the cold of the night. It was like A.C on a boiling hot day! I loved the cold air, hitting my skin, that I didn’t wear a coat despite it being 4°C out there! Then we boarded the plane and sat on it for two hours then we landed in the UK and at around midnight, we arrived home and vented to myself in my room.

    And that’s Chapter 7 of madness, mayhem and memories. 

    See you next time – Emily

  • 2019: All the Rainfall

    2019: All the Rainfall

    Welcome to chapter 6 madness, mayhem and memories and we have dad and Nicole back after a chapter of it being me and mum time. We went to Vienna, Austria in November 2019.

    November 11th 2019, that was the day we went to Vienna and as soon as we left the train station, we noticed people with cameras and they were filming for some TV station so we decided to photo bomb, the camerapeople were very nice. 

    Outside the station!

    We had a hot chocolate and after that, trying to navigate where the hotel was, dad discussed how the world moves far too quickly and how here, in Vienna, it’s a lot slower paced than in England, little did he know that in just 4 months, the world would stop entirely. He hadn’t been to Vienna before and neither had I. 

    We found our hotel, it had this long, steep staircase and it was a bloody nightmare to get up, it made your muscles feel sore. That’s how steep this fucking staircase was and behind this big, black door was our hotel room.

    And by room, I mean apartment.

    It had a bedroom/living room, another bedroom, an actual bathroom, a kitchen and a storage cupboard, an actual apartment. Vienna is an overdramatic bitch for a reason. 

    We walked in and the bed wasn’t even made yet! The bedding was a clump on the bed and so we left our luggage and went into the town, beautiful white buildings, with gold decorations and green roofs scattered all around the city. We saw the Rolex store and there was an entire store dedicated to Mozart. There was a cafe with a mini ferris wheel with little cakes in the carriages. 

    We wandered some more, admiring the luxurious centrepiece that is St. Stephens Cathedral with it’s black, gold, green and white mosaic roof and tall, grand stature, when I was there, there was a pink light shining over it at night. Maybe there was something being filmed but I love the pink light like giving the cathedral a bit of a feminine touch. 

    We went on the boat trip, we entered the boat, sat on the top floor and on our seats, we had red and black blankets on our seats, I was cold and tired so I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around myself. I saw a lot of interesting things on the Danube like weirdly beautiful graffitied walls with a pink and blue background and yellow smiley faces on the wall.

    Me on the boat

    There was one problem however, the commentary wasn’t authentic, it was robotic and looped over and over and over like a broken cassette and it drove us up the wall because we learnt nothing new and we got bored due to sitting there with the pre-recorded commentary. 

    I was so tired, eyes opening and closing, trying to not fall asleep and actually succeeding 

    We got off, had dinner, which was in this restaurant, I can’t remember what I had exactly but I remember I had sauerkraut and it was exactly like people say, bitter but bearable. 

    We left, running in the heavy rain all the way back to the apartment complex  and went back to the apartment and got ready for bed and having my own room was a special level of sneakiness for me. I went on my phone, turned the brightness down and went online and no-one knew. 

    My room had a poster of some pop-art guy in a suit and I had a single bed and a window and a wardrobe. I had an actual room with doors and privacy!!!! It’s different compared to our normal locations because Vienna is the rich, popular girl in the high school of European Cities. 

    But before we entered the apartment complex, we went in a small cafe, the guy who ran the place barely spoke English and we had drinks and a conversation, it was quaint and small, the complete opposite of what Vienna is known for. We sat on this couch and just talked for an hour then left and returned to the apartment and chilled while the lyric video for Torn by Ava Max was playing as it was a new single at the time. 

    November 12th: I woke up and got ready for breakfast, headed down to the restaurant, I ended up eating marble cake for breakfast then headed out into the city.

     We went round a backstreet and found this small vegan cafe and by small I mean small, We ended up having a vegan hot chocolate in this little cafe, there were these old people in the corner next to us having the soup of the day. This little shop made drinks and soup. They asked if we wanted soup and we said “no”.

    The mug of vegan hot chocolate!

    We finished our drinks and left and headed towards the Mozart House, we almost got lost and gave up until I found a sign saying

    “Mozart House, 50m away” 

    And that’s when we hit the golden ticket and we walked towards the Mozart house and entered the building, we walked through the museum, the walls were cream with shelves of his outfits, the songs he composed, the instruments he played and  his journal entries and historical accounts about him.  It was quite interesting to learn about him, too bad his scat fetish wasn’t mentioned once. 

    We went to this cafe, I had a way too bitter hot chocolate and dad and I were discussing a Vienna to Budapest bus ride and 

     “It’d take only 45 minutes” dad said, we never did the bus ride and I did a bit of research and it would take 3 hours to go by bus rather than the 45 minutes dad said it was. 

    We spotted the white horses while walking outside and then we headed towards the river, seeing the sign that covered the scaffolding  that said “100 Jahre Gemeindebau” which is German for “100 years of community building”.

    We decided to go to McDonalds and Dad and Nicole ordered Big Macs and I had chicken strips and chips. I noticed something unusual at the counter so I asked dad if I could go over there, he gave me the permission. I went over there and saw the array of cakes from chocolate brownies to carrot cake to marzipan torte to tiramisu to raspberry cheesecake to the humble donut.

    I was in awe as I saw all these glorious cakes, some of which I have never seen displayed in public before, let alone a McDonalds, they looked so tasty, I wanted each and every one down my fucking throat but I didn’t ask dad if I could buy them instead I walked back to my table and just told dad and Nicole about the cakes at the counter. 

    We finished our meal and went out towards Prater, the ferris wheel. I remember saying “This is the happiest I’ve ever felt” and it was genuine. I hadn’t been super happy for a few years up until that point, I loved the holidays and the memories made but I still fought a lot of demons between 2016 – 2019 and it was hard to deal with at times so finally being free, walking in cold, near-winter Vienna with nothing weighing me down, It felt good, it felt like I was FREE! 

    Whiny tangent over, let’s continue. 

    We walked towards Prater and yet again, we got lost, just walking through ordinary looking street after ordinary looking street until we saw a giant, grey ferris wheel and we walked over to it, we got our tickets and entered the little red carriage, it had a few people in it. 

    I took many photos of the sights from the sky-high P.O.V, it was an array of white buildings and coloured roofs and multi-coloured, I have a load of photos of my view from the ferris wheel. 

    Turns out it’s a mini theme park, with a rollercoaster and a merry go round. It was very interesting looking around the place before going to a bar to have a drink, we wandered around some more, admiring the views and having more drinks.

    Prater in its entirety!

    Then came dinner time, we wandered to a small restaurant. By small, I mean small, there were only 3 tables in the whole restaurant and the kitchen was a tiny cupboard that somehow fit a stove, a hob, an oven and all the kitchen equipment in a miniscule cupboard but I’m glad they made use of ALL their space in the restaurant. 

    Dad and Nicole ordered goulash meanwhile I had the best meal I’ve ever eaten. It was a beef and pork burger and it was glorious, I loved every bite, it was magic in a burger, it was irresistible and to that person who was working in a tiny cupboard, how was it? 

     We left and we ended up just walking around until it started fucking raining again so we had to run all the way to a bar, we took our coats off and ordered drinks. I came up with a good idea. There were phrases written on the tiles on the wall so I decided to use Google Translate to figure out what those phrases meant, I had a fun time even though most of those phrases were probably just ordinary phrases said in Austria. 

    We went out to that small cafe near our hotel once more, we talked about music and what celebrities we look up to . 

    We went back into the complex and into the apartment. I hadn’t yet reached 25,000 steps on my FitBit yet but I was so determined to get that number so what did I do?  

    I ended up walking around the apartment, watching the numbers go up and up as I went round the apartment until I saw 25,000 steps and then got ready for bed. 

    November 13th: I woke up and got up, we bought eggs from Hofer, aka: Austria Aldi, the night prior. We had poached eggs on toast, courtesy of my dad and we went wandering around the city for our last day there. 

    We had noticed that we were 2 weeks early for the Christmas Market for the 3rd year in a row, it had just started being built up.

    We walked around and I saw something that captivated me, a picture that said “the weird” and it was a picture of the human body being dissected by layers. It piqued my interest and it’s actually a really nice piece. 

    We wandered around town some more, got some drinks, then at around 5pm , we went back to the hotel and got our bags and I took photos of every painting in the hotel room. 

    We waited for our Uber to take us to the airport, 5 minutes later, it wasn’t there. Dad rang up Uber and was complaining that it’s late, when it did arrive about 10 minutes later, it drove us to the airport, we arrived safely at the airport, don’t worry. I also haven’t rode in an Uber since. 

    We got in the airport and waited til our gate was mentioned and we boarded the plane, not knowing that it would be my last flight for nearly 2 years.

    I arrived at Gatwick, we went through passport control and got in the car and on the drive home, dad said “get to sleep” I refused, despite him begging me to. I still fucking refused to sleep since I actually CAN’T sleep on transport or anything other than a bed. 

    We arrived home and I went to bed at midnight the next day and I had school the next day, not knowing that was my last holiday for nearly 2 years.

    That’s the end of chapter six of madness, mayhem and memories, hope you enjoyed it, bye – Emily.

  • 2019: SANDRA!!!!!

    2019: SANDRA!!!!!

    So this time round, we have a new character to the story, in fact dad and Nicole are only very, very, very minor characters. The adult accompanying the 12 year old me in this story is my mum! She’s a new character in this because these stories have been based about the holidays me, dad and Nicole went on but this is the first of two city breaks that I will tell you about that me and mum went on. This one was to Lille, France in May 2019.  Welcome to Chapter 5 of Madness, Mayhem and Memories. 

    It was May 3rd 2019, mum had phoned my school and lied saying I was sick so we could go on holiday and then we went to Dover to go to the ferry. 

    I said in the last chapter that I had a little sister called Avery and the reason dad and Nicole aren’t in this story is because they were somewhere else…. They were at Disneyland Paris with Avery and my stepsister (who I’ll call Maddie) for their birthdays (their birthdays are quite close together), so because my family has this rule: If someone gets something, the other gets something too. It means that I get to go on holiday. 

    So me and mum went on the ferry and I went on my phone until halfway through, there was an issue, specifically with my phone. I lost all my data halfway through the ferry trip, so the song I was listening to wouldn’t play because I didn’t download it because I didn’t think to do so. 

    After the ferry trip, we landed in Calais and the sight of the walls to protect the world from the jungle. The jungle being the sea of refugees trying to climb in the boot of your car to go to the U.K, now I’m not anti-immigration, I know especially in the UK that it’s a touchy stance. My stance is if you wanna live a new life in a country, regardless of your circumstance then that’s perfectly fine, do what you wanna do, it’s got nothing to do with me. 

    We had to turn off CarPlay because mum had to navigate the roads of France because they drive on the right side of the road while we Brits drive on the correct side.

    After we got a sandwich we went to a supermarket and we went inside. Plastic-free vegetables and fruit, it was so gorgeous because you could touch them freely and outside there was a picture on the door of people walking, giving an Abbey Road vibe so I joined them. 

    If you can’t beat them, join them.

    So we listened to Speak Now by Taylor Swift because it was one out of two CDs we had in the glove compartment of the car because we had to have the map on so mum didn’t somehow kill ourselves in a car crash in La Touque instead of Lille but we managed to arrive at Campanile safely. While mum was booking our room, I was at the bookshelf and I found interest in a book, I can’t remember what it was about nor the name. I was just enjoying the book but then mum saw me and was like “what are you reading?” and I showed her the book, she Googled the title and said it wasn’t appropriate for me, so I put it back and we put our stuff in our room. 

    We were greeted by a French dubbed version of a US TV show, the aesthetic being green and whiteand the beds being one double bed for mum and a single bed for me. 

    We went back to reception to ask the receptionist Manon where the old town was, luckily she spoke English as well.  She drew the route in biro to the old town on the map, we thanked her and went out, looking for the old town and we were confused because we were in an unknown place so we had to ask an old couple where it was but they didn’t understand English, so we had to find it on our own.

    Don’t worry we did. We first started by looking for face wash, that was deemed high-quality and that I used at the time (turns out that it didn’t work for my skin) but we bought nothing from the store. 

    It ended up raining while we were walking, so we hid in the church and France is Catholic, so the readily available opulence in a Catholic church is a huge contrast due to protenstant churches in the UK which are drab, grey and so boring it makes you want to claw your eyes out. 

    The glistening gold, red and blue aesthetic shines like a shiny pool of opulence that even when swimming, you feel clean. The church captivated my eye while I was just singing inside. I saw a confession booth and a Joan of Arc statue, that section of the church was grey and so was the statue. 

    But then we left and wandered round the town, seeing the El Dorado statues for the El Dorado festival that was gonna happen the next evening and that was it’s own disaster but we’re not there yet so ssssshhhhh.

    We got dinner later that night, I had a cheeseburger with an egg in it, mum had chips, we sat outside and were chilling and decided to walk. We were just walking and then we passed a bunch of geezers who were in a pub, probably for their mate Terry’s stag do, probably his seventh in five years. You could tell they were geezers by the bloated bellies and bald heads and these bastards decided to scream this at my mum. 


    You could hear them laughing in the background as we walked away, pissed off due to being catcalled so I made a joke about it for the ENTIRE NIGHT!

    The worst part is that mum isn’t called Sandra. 

    Am I the asshole? Yes I was, I was a huge gaping asshole with shit dribbling out. That’s how much of an asshole I was that night, I’m surprised that I wasn’t taken home that night. 

    But we were still in Lille and we ended up going back to the hotel and going to sleep. 

    May 4th: I woke up at 7:30AM and for the first hour, I remained in my head until I got ready. We had breakfast in the small hotel cafe, discussing what we should do today. I had a ham and brie baguette.

    France does some of the best food and that brie was melt in the mouth and I absolutely loved it. 

    We walked in the old town, red and gold buildings were all I could see and we saw all the different shops and buildings.
    Well we had managed to get to the old town this time at least so that was a major win for us. 

    Just a regular building in Lille

    We had entered a cafe and I swear every time me and mum go somewhere, we always seem to stuff our faces because why not. Food is good and true. Me and mum time is rare so we spend it well. 

     Mum had a hot chocolate and I had a Biscoff muffin and it was super fucking delicious. We decided to look around the old town some more then we decided to go to the zoo, we had brought a brownie with us, yes this is an important 

    We had to take left turn, right turn and many more confusing directions to take us to Citadele, turns out we were on the wrong side and had to go round the right side and when we finally did, we struggled to find parking but after we finally did, we set off and we found Lille Zoo, it was €2 for my ticket and off we went. We saw a variety of animals including tapiars, zebras, pelicans and wolves. 

    I forgot to mention rhinos but here they are.

    They were only protected by wooden fences unlike British zoos which need 30 layers of barbed wiring, quintuple glazed glass and security to protect a fucking rabbit. It was weird to see the animals who have a chance to go rabid but don’t. 

    We had a brownie and ate it, we were at the wolves enclosure and they were looking at us like “Give us that brownie bitch” and we were like in a silent conversation “no, it’s ours, get your own”. 

    So we kept eating this delicious, yummy brownie and the wolves kept looking in pure rage.

    After the zoo, me and mum went to a boat, paid €40 for our boat and at first we sailed along the river just fine and normal, basking in the French May sun and enjoying the relaxing river ride while mum pedalled the boat. 

    Then the stampede of canoers came over, they were about 8 or 9 years old and these motherfuckers were going faster then our shitty little boat and we kept racing them until we couldn’t see them anymore. They were faster than us, it wasn’t fair so we tried catching up to them but alas we failed. It was like a tortoise racing against Usain Bolt if you want a comparison.  Mock anger seeped in through our pores but we just laughed,  then mum nearly drowned us.

    She was going to take a selfie and as we were posing, the boat almost tipped into the lake and we would’ve drowned if we weren’t wearing lifejackets. 

    Why do my holidays have to result in near death?

    We returned back to the shore, drove back to the old town and had dinner. We went to a restaurant called Hippopotamus, mum had a couscous salad while I had medium rare steak with green beans and peppercorn sauce. The taste of my tongue was like magic, I absolutely loved it. I want to experience it all over again and I absolutely would pay all the money in the world to do so but it’s only the 2nd best meal I’ve had on a city break. Mum told me that she enjoyed her meal as well. 

    Who knew that as soon as we left the restaurant, disaster hit like a fucking tsunami. 

    We left Hippopotamus and we instantly get hit with the El Dorado festival crowd and I felt stuck, like if my skin was like velcro and random strangers got stuck to it. I couldn’t breathe and I was getting more and more overwhelmed by the second so this was a WHOLE HOUR of me and mum trying to get out of the crowd of doom. We dodged people, zig zagged just so I wasn’t left there crying and trampled on the floor. 

    Every passing second was like having my skin slowly ripped apart by blunt knives and I wasn’t coping well. The more we moved, the more people we were surrounded by. It was never ending, you couldn’t escape it. 4,000 people we had to get past and I’m surprised I didn’t break down in the middle of the floor.

    Mum was really looking forward to seeing the festival as well and I ruined it for her but I’m too sensitive for this shit.

    Maybe I’m just too autistic for the world but how do people enjoy crowds? To me, they’re death machines. After about an hour, we finally found the caution tape and slid under it and walked back to the hotel. 

    Remember how I said that we could make it TO the old town, well we couldn’t make it BACK so we were mindlessly wandering back to the hotel, we were on the outskirts of the city as we entered a bridge that overlooked the business centre of Lille and the sunset was bouncing off the glass buildings, it was so beautiful, it would’ve been the most aesthetic of Instagram posts.  

    We made it back to the hotel eventually and went to sleep.


    May 5th: We woke up and had breakfast at 8AM and we wandered around the old town, one last time. We went to Hippopotamus for lunch and I had the same as yesterday and it was still heavenly.

    Then we went in a chocolatier and saw a chocolate replica of the Canadian parliament and we were both in awe as we had this chocolate masterpiece in front of us, Us silently asking to each other “how can HUMAN HANDS craft this masterpiece”  It’s still shocking 3 years later. 

    We headed to the city tour and while we were waiting, we noticed someone, someone famous. It was Minty from Eastenders or Fred Buckle from Call the Midwife. His real name is Cliff Parisi, mum is a huge fan of Call the Midwife and she ended talking to him as if she were a friend of his instead of a fan. He was the only other English speaking person there so he was the only other person to talk to. 

    City break ticket!

    And that was celebrity meet-up 2/2

    We remember watching I’m a Celebrity (Get Me Out of Here) that November and when Cliff was announced as part of the jungle, mum and I were like “OMG!!!! WE MET HIM IN LILLE IN MAY AND NOW HE’S ON I’M A CELEBRITY!!!!!! OMG!!!!” . He probably doesn’t remember us and we were just being dramatic but back to the story.

    We enjoyed the city tour, saw lots of interesting things like another Joan of Arc statue and the University of Lille, after an hour of the bus tour we returned back to the old town, got a pancake, went back to the hotel, got our things and got in the car. 

    We drove all the way back to Calais, listening to blink 182’s untitled album on the way home. Imagine 2 hours of Tom Delonge’s whining, it can get pretty boring. We went on the ferry, I got my data back and we arrived home in one piece and alive. 

    In fact this trip inspired me and mum to get FitBit as on the notes on my phone, I calculated how many miles we walked for each day of the trip and it turned out the total was 20 miles and that’s what inspired mum to get me and her FitBits, we got them May 16th 2019. 

    And that’s chapter 5 of madness, mayhem and memories. I hope you enjoyed it. – Emily

  • 2019: Binbags and Cigarettes

    2019: Binbags and Cigarettes

    Never in my life have I experienced a better flight than when I went to Amsterdam. Welcome to chapter 4 of madness, mayhem and memories.

    It was 18th March 2019, I went to Amsterdam as a birthday treat just a little bit before my 12th birthday. We left at 6am and arrived at the airport by 8:30AM. We got our flight and it was truly an amazing flight. It was only 45 minutes, it can only be described as this.

    You go up, you have a sip of tea then you land. As someone who finds flights a misery this is perfection.

    We landed and went to Schipol airport and got the train to Damrak station, we get off the train and all 3 of us were greeted by paradise and by that I mean we were lost. Despite the fact that Dad and Nicole had been to Amsterdam twice before, they had no idea where our hotel was.

    We were looking for our hotel and had no clue on where it was so we used Google Maps on Nicole’s phone to try to direct us to Hotel Ben. Yep. It means “hotel am” in English. Ben means Am in Dutch.  So with no idea on where our hotel was. We used Google, the God of knowledge, to try to find hotel Ben. 

    Don’t worry, we found it eventually after realising that there were two entrances and used the wrong one at first. It was in a tucked away street and we were greeted with a sparsely decorated reception with a cat in it and we got our key to the room.

    Our room was ten sins in one, this room. It wasn’t dirty and that was the only benefit of the entire room.

    It was tiny, like very small. The whole room reminded me of a prison cell even though there weren’t any bars on the windows. The walls were bare and reeked of the emptiness of the human spirit. I’ll tell you how bad this hotel was if you’re still not convinced from here.

    There wasn’t even a double bed for dad and Nicole to sleep in, instead they had two singles that they had to push together to create a double bed. Sleeping was the most awkward thing because of the pushed double beds.

    Nothing like a bit of manual labour on holiday. 

    In fact, earlier this year my cousin Ashley and her boyfriend Damien were planning to go to Amsterdam and my dad decided to recommend Hotel Ben and ALMOST convinced them to go until they saw the negative reviews to the hotel and decided to go to a better hotel. 

    We left our hotel and headed out in the city and found the centre, had to take a phone call from my cousin, Jake, while we walked over the bridge. I didn’t care for what he had to say because Amsterdam is beautiful, very beautiful.

    It’s not all about sex and drugs. There is some inherent beauty that Amsterdam has especially with it’s Tudor style houses that still look modern, almost. 

    The canal that glistens in the near spring sun and the car-free road was beautiful but remember kids, just because one predator is dead, there’ll always be another one. 

    I had to learn that the hard way in Amsterdam when I nearly got run over by a bike. That was a thrill. 

    I ended up seeing a load of sex shops around Amsterdam, selling whatever you desire to have from dildos to whips and of course, the classic coffeeshops which to the contrasting belief. I in fact didn’t go in one. I remember putting cold sore cream on my lip because I had a cold sore  which meant I got herpes in Amsterdam…..

    How coincidental…….

    We kept walking around the centre and I just kept admiring the little sights like the Westermarkt clock and the barren winter trees despite it being just a few days away from spring.  

    I remember walking down the street with dad and Nicole and I noticed a bad smell, a really bad smell. That was the smell of weed and it smelled like a vomit inducing mixture of bin bags and cigarettes and it made me want to throw up. 

    I bought a pink and white hat that said “AMSTERDAM” in big letters and I had posed with that hat outside a store dedicated to weed with a giant smile on my face and doing a peace sign, all excited which is kind of ironic.. 

    We went to a steakhouse and I had steak for dinner along with dad. The view in front of us was the cinema that was playing a Dutch dubbed version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

    steakhouse (2019)

    We went back to the hotel and we decided to open our window and  fuck with the house infront of us and annoying them til they closed their blinds and curtains. Me and dad were laughing our asses off and then we got ready for bed. 

    March 19th 2019 : We woke up and got ready for the next day. Me and Nicole were sitting in bed waiting for dad to bring up tea. He did but it wasn’t in mugs instead it was in fucking cheap plastic cups. PLASTIC CUPS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!?. My hands were boiling due to holding the boiling cup. 

    We got ready and went out into the city and we stopped at a little restaurant and had a mouth-watering cheese toastie and it was truly mouth-watering. I went into the bathroom and there was a sign saying “no hard drugs” which is just Amsterdam being Amsterdam so don’t worry about it. 

    Let’s talk about why I went to Amsterdam in the first place. In December 2018, I went to my sister’s (who I’ll be calling Avery) school Christmas fair. I was just waiting for it to be over so i picked up a book, it was Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank and I just read it to pass the time but as soon as I know it, dad said that it was time to go and said to me “You like that book? I’ll get it for Christmas for you” and I was like “I’m just reading it” and guess what I got for Christmas.

    A copy of Diary of a Young Girl and I read it in my room and that’s how I decided that for my 12th birthday, my present would be to go to Amsterdam. 

    We went in a cafe that was right next door to the Anne Frank House to have drinks before the despair of the museum and I saw a Dutch version of Anne’s diary despite not understanding many words of it and decided to read a couple pages. 

    We entered the museum and the first thing we saw was a golden statue of Anne and walked through the bookcase and saw every room with facts and photos stuck on the walls. We saw the desk that Anne wrote her diary entries on, we saw the rooms that they were confined in for 2 years which must’ve been suffocating, a single window couldn’t be opened or else they’d be caught.

    The walls reeked of sadness due to most of the members of the annex’s fate but also the hope for after the war that most of them never saw. 

    After the museum we went in the cafe, ordered some tea, watched the people on the street below and something caught my eye, a red diary with blank pages for you to write your own experiences into and I liked it, my dad bought it for me, and that’s how I started to write my own diary. 

    We got a boat trip. We saw more of Amsterdam’s beauty through a boat, listening to the commentary the man gave.  I learnt that the boats on the canal are so expensive that the owners often can’t afford curtains so you can see into the boat and watch the person’s every move like a voyeuristic bastard. That Amsterdam is in fact built on a dirty swamp. It’s like a lotus, a beautiful flower growing out of the mud. Apparently there is an annual competition in which people swim in the canal and even the Queen has taken part in this race. You wouldn’t dream of Queen Liz swimming in the Thames with a bunch of commoners. I know I wouldn’t, it sounds fucking grim. 

    We were walking to the hotel and we noticed this strange store that sold nothing but rubber ducks and there was even a Donald Trump themed duck which became my Teams profile picture in November 2020. I haven’t been on  Teams since June 2021 because Teams is fucking garbage and Britian has been out of lockdown since April 2021 so it’s unnecessary. But back to the point that the store is basically toddler heaven with rubber ducks on every square centimetre of the store.

    We arrived back at the hotel; dad and Nicole wanted to watch a movie on dad’s IPad, of course they chose The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas and watched that on the awkwardly pushed together double bed while I was watching Rowan Ellis with my headphones on. 

    Yes I learnt what headphones are. Finally.  

    March 20th 2019: We packed our shit up and went home. We had a McDonalds breakfast, yes a Maccies breakfast which was well deserved for us. We went back on the train to the airport; At Schipol, we had ordered Starbucks and I tasted mine and it was absolutely disgusting, more bitter than your ex. So we asked for more sugar. STILL FUCKING DISGUSTING and I gave up trying to drink it because I didn’t want to embarrass myself by throwing up on the flight home because that’s how gross it is. 

    I sat in some chairs just writing in my diary, waiting for our plane and then we got on the plane and we arrived home, safe and sound. Just waiting for the next city break. 

    Amsterdam resulted in a journey of discovery and beauty. I was obsessed with it for years, I adored every moment apart from drinking the Starbucks. That was disgusting, I haven’t had Starbucks since and I never will again.

    I never saw a single tulip or a windmill during the entire trip. 

    That’s Chapter 4 of madness, mayhem and memories. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time – Emily

  • airport advice

    So yes I have a few hacks for you because as an experienced traveller I’ve picked up on some advice that will help you with your holidays because travelling can be hard sometimes and some of you are beginners at travelling. I’m going to share some advice for travelling. 


     I’ve seen this too many times and have been a victim of it for most of my life. When you arrive at like 4:30am you’re not exactly there mentally. You’re a drugged out zombie in human skin basically but I hear you say “EMILY! I WANT TO ARRIVE TO MALLORCA FOR 8:30AM!!!!!! WA WA WA”  

    Now the answer is dont. You’ll basically have no energy for getting sunburnt til Tuesday. I have to hurt you like this, yes.

    Here’s what I do to avoid fatigue: I get picked up from school at  12:30PM, go home and pack my bags and leave  for the airport by 1:30PM so we arrive by 3PM then we get our 5/6PM flight then arrive by 8PM. 

    We go to the hotel after then have dinner then go to bed ready for an exciting day tomorrow. I’ve done this for my two latest city breaks and it’s worked perfectly for us because no fatigue from a 7AM flight. 

    Also since airports tend to be the busiest around 4am-7am and 9pm-11pm, you get to avoid the ruckus if you go during the late morning or early afternoon and have an afternoon flight. You get to relax and not rush around 


    Summer: The bane of my life but also it’ll be the bane of yours as well, especially when travelling because the minute school’s closed for the summer, everyone and I mean everyone is rushing for the airport because they’re going on the annual family holiday to Mallorca.

    But as someone who has travelled year round. Honestly summer, it’s my worst nightmare. It’s crowded in the airport and worst of all, it’s hot and sweaty, like a slide in summer if you’re wearing booty shorts. 

    So July and August for travelling tend to be hell in an airport for both passenger and pilot because you have to deal with waiting and more waiting. But also Christmas time tends to be very busy because people want to escape the cold British winter and to see family members over the holidays so don’t use Christmas as a time to do some easy travelling. 

    I always find that the best months of the year to travel are November and early spring because it’s less busy and it’s cheaper to travel because of it being less busy due to it being fucking cold.

    This is kind of related to point one and by “late” I mean about an hour before your flight. Heathrow made a tweet a few weeks ago saying that you should arrive at the airport no less than three hours before your flight and I agree with that especially because airport security lines can be up to an hour long and then you have to be at the boarding section for about 45 minutes before your flight. 

    Also airports are very fast paced places and you always need to be on your feet all the time and constantly monitoring the time. Like if you’ve got a 12PM flight, you’d need to be at the airport by 9AM because you need to keep moving and it can be quite stressful for people who usually dont monitor time very often or are travelling for the very first time.


    Right this is a pet peeve of mine but I hate Stansted. It’s quite slow moving and the area of food and shopping is so small so if you’re waiting for your flight. In 10 minutes you’ll be walking, looking in stores and guess what? You’ll be back in duty free again!

    Also since it’s so small, it tends to be crowded and there’s like no room to breathe in Stansted, also don’t help that I just need to wander everywhere like I need to see everything but waiting for your flight at Stansted is like watching every grain of sand in a hourglass slowly drop.

    I hope that none of you have decided to be dicks to members of security when they’re just doing their job but shouting abuse at them only leaves you in the UK and sent over to the police because threats can get you arrested.

    Also they’re just as tired as you are, they’re probably half asleep because they’ve been doing the night shift at the airport and you being abusive only hurts you and the staff even more.

    Now this isn’t the same as making a complaint. Making a complaint is addressing the problems in a clear, concise manner. Abuse is threatening to kill someone or yourself if you dont get your way, it’s punching or hitting someone. 

    Don’t abuse people, you’re a cunt if you do.

    And that’s all for this week. My new single should be out on Bandlab on August 4th so make sure you stream that please, it’ll be really helpful for me. 

    Chapter 4 of madness, mayhem and memories should be coming out next week or maybe a bit earlier because it’s all done, I just needed to give you a bit of a break from the stories so I dont run out of stories to tell – Emily

  • 2018: riots outside the window

    Welcome to chapter 3 of madness, mayhem and memories and today we’ll be landing in Hamburg, Germany. Aka: the worst place I’ve been to in my entire life.

    November 15th 2018 was the day I went to Hamburg, Germany. We had been looking the at the hotel for ages, it was Novum Steindamm. The reason being was it’s location. It was right next door to a sex shop and I was 11, not too innocent but innocent enough to not know what was inside. We tried to change our location but to no avail we were stuck next door to German Ann Summers. 

    Still to this day I hope that sex shops are like regular shops. You know how there’s different aisles for bread, detergent and cheese. I hope it’s the same in sex shops like there’s an aisle for dildos, an aisle for butt plugs or an aisle for fleshlights. I’ve been imagining a scene like this ever since I went to Hamburg. I hope I’m not going to be dissapointed by everything when I eventually step in one because I think I might cry if the disappointment hits me like a wave.

    We went to a Premier Inn at Stansted the night before, we had a early flight the next day, we arrived at the airport at 7:30PM, sat and watched T.V and then got to sleep but not before I drew a picture of a fucking badger. 

    We woke up at 5AM (I’m so glad this habit died) and got ready to fly to Hamburg. We were in security and instantly I saw this guy in a nurse outfit in the queue for security and I wondered why. Dad said that he was going to a stag do, most likely Prague because that (along with Benidorm) are stag do heavens. We went to the patdown section, now 90% of the time I go through security, I’m in the clear but not this time. 

    Dad walked through the machine so did Nicole: Both clear, which only left me and I walked through as I normally do then the machine goes fucking beserk, in meltdown mode; I’m asked to do a patdown and usually they’ll just touch your legs and arms in patdowns (at least from my experience) but not this bitch. She decided to touch everywhere and she grabbed my ass. I was 11 at the time. I felt horrible because I had been violated by a complete stranger and 2018 was already a rough enough year for me; I didnt need to feel worse. To this day, I still get a lump in my throat when I get patted down because I dont want to get groped by a fucking stranger again. Luckily it’s never happened to me again but there’s always a chance. If this woman is still alive, I hope she gets fired, she doesn’t deserve a life, let alone a job like that. We got our things and headed towards Duty Free.

    We had a Wetherspoons breakfast before catching our 7:30AM flight and headed towards Hamburg.

    About a year later, I did a bit of research about how common being sexually harassed/assaulted is in airport security and apparently it’s really common especially in America because of vague bomb threats due to thier fear of 9/11 part 2, even twenty years on. So they look everywhere on you because of fear but then they make you scared of them.

    Back to the story, We land and get the train to the city from the airport. It took us about 15-30 minutes to get to our station, that station looked disgusting. A sign of things to come. There was a poster for Michelle Obama’s book “Becoming”. We walked to our hotel, we were greeted by these people who took ages to get the keys to the room but there was one positive in all of that day. 

    WE DIDNT HAVE BUNK BEDS!!!! NO MORE CONCUSSIONS!!!!! I was elated because no more head trauma. 

    Our room was one single bed for me and one double bed for dad and Nicole. We went out though to explore the city, we saw the high street and we got a Bratwurst. We were wandering around and we saw this guy doing 1-fisted press-ups, in the high street, in a suit, circled by men with cameras.

    We were all so confused on what was happening. “who is this guy” was the only question in our monolingual spazmoid brains. Turns out he’s a German YouTuber called Jeremy who has 500,000 subscribers as of November 2018. It was all so weird in that moment, it was the first out of two celebrity experiences I’ve had, both on city breaks.

    We wanted to go to the Chocoversum and tried looking around for it, almost giving up in defeat as we walked down a little street and there it was. Chocoversum. We got in, payed the lady at the desk and walked in. Putting our coats and scarves in the lockers. 

    We walked in, with our English tour guide and we first started with an explaination on how the cocoa bean grows and how it’s fermented. He brought out a real life cocoa bean and asked who wanted to try it. I put my hand up because why not. Me and along with a few others went over to where the man was and he gave us a bit of white pulp each. I bit into it and immediatly got the bitterness on my tongue. It was quite gross actually but we have to move on.

    He bought us to the room where the cocoa powder, milk and sugar are mixed together. We kept observing the machine spinning round as all this chocolate got formed. The next and final room we were bought into was the room where all our chocolate was in a container but it wasn’t hard so we got to sprinkle things like chocolate buttons, sprinkles and cookie crumbs into our chocolate bars. 

    We finished with a grand exit and there was a grand moment where all 3 of us were showing off our newly made chocolate, in front of a giant gold wall with the words, in white text reading “Sußes Gold”. Which means “Sweet Gold” in English.

    We put the chocolate in Nicole’s bag and walked around some more. For the 2nd year running, we were early to the Christmas market. It was being BUILT while we were walking around this little empty Christmas market with disappointment. Maybe if we go on a city break in December we’ll be able to experience it. 

    Dinner was a whole fiasco so let’s talk about it. We went in this restaurant near the train station. We had gotten our seats and we we’re just talking and we ordered our food. It was taking a suspiciously long time to arrive so we wondered why. I can’t remember what Nicole had but me and dad had pork and red cabbage. Some guy on the table next to us had spilt his beer all over the floor and of course it had soaked into our shoes. The manager came to us with a mop and mopped up the spilled beer in the most lazily, shite way possible. We were still left with the beer spilt all over the floor. We ate our meal in just misery as we were given the worst service in the entire world as the manager was a bitch and we were disrespected by him because he’s just horrible. 

    We went back to the hotel and got loads of zeds with no concussions in the morning 

    Day 2: We woke up, I had scrambled eggs for breakfast. We went walking around town, with crackheads sitting on the pavement and begging for a couple quid so they can be that little bit closer to Mommy Death . We headed towards the port, we looked around that area and we went inside a little cafe, mostly discussing what my sister would do at 11 and we walked on a bridge discussing the forbidden subject. Then we walked to the port which had a theatre that was playing Mary Poppins and The Lion King as that day’s shows.  

    We then went on the boat trip. We passed the boats filled to the brim with cargo, which Hamburg is a port city so that makes sense. But it was still quite interesting, we saw the glass buildings that reflect a completly different side of Hamburg than the dirty, disgusting side we saw. We ended up doing an hour round trip then ended up going back to the port.

    We didnt completely miss the Christmas market, in fact we went to two, both on the same day, both after the port. We went to a Norwegian themed Christmas Market which sold slippers made out of fucking seal fur slippers and other things layed on tables in an airplane style and I looked at them before we got nothing. We had sausages at a Finnish Christmas market and I had hot chocolate at a Portuguese cafe. 

    I had a margherita calzone for dinner and walked back to the shithole also known as our hotel. We were walking back from Lidl and there was this woman in a tank top and denim shorts, who was probably a hooker but still, we were in coats and gloves cause it was the middle of fucking November but she had just started work. It was still November though.

    We go to the hotel because we needed to go to bed. We almost got tucked into bed when dad and I heard shouting outside our window; We got curious and started to investigate what that noise was. We opened the curtains and it exposed everything. There was police, prostitutes and gang members all around the entrance of our hotel. The sirens wailing, the screaming from the people outside and our curiosity with the wreck outside our window, we couldn’t look away, it was too fascinating to even look at a different building. The riot outside the window was all we saw. 

    If you’re wondering where Nicole was during that entire time we were watching that whole incident. She was out cold that entire time, she didn’t even HEAR it so of course, she doesnt remember it.

    Day 3: We woke up at 5:55AM and we quickly got ready and I had the same breakfast as the day prior to get ready for the train station then we went back to the airport for 7:45AM. The only water available was sparkling. I dont like sparkling water. I only like still water.

    We went home and had McDonald’s to fill our stomachs

    So that’s Chapter 3 of madness, mayhem and memories. Like and comment how much you liked it. – Emily

  • 2018: Public Shower

    There is something so simple about a car and three people going together. It’s so simple and cheap but doesn’t mean difficulty has disappeared.

    Welcome to Chapter 2 of madness, mayhem and memories.

    This trip was for my 11th birthday. My birthday is March 28th (same as Lady Gaga’s) and this trip was about a week after the event.

    We finally set off on April 5th 2018 and we got up, packed our shit and drove to Folkstone and we had to wait in line for an hour for the Eurostar. It was only 8am keep in mind and my dad doesn’t like driving anywhere so he was extra pissed.

    We finally got on the train and were launched underground to Calais. Problem one occured, we had no radio . Radio is the only source of music on my dad’s side of the family unlike my mum who has always loved music and it’s where I get my love of music from, Ive been infatuated with music since I was 5 years old when I listened to + by Ed Sheeran on my mum’s shitty little IPhone 4. It’s a pivotal moment in my life; I can’t forget it.

    But back to the story, We had no radio and we only had a few CD’s so we chose the only one that wasn’t a 90s ambience CD. Divide by Ed Sheeran. I can’t listen to that album again due to it playing in full TWICE on the journey there. I also was a child who didnt know what headphones were. I don’t know what made my dad not buy any CDs before the trip but eventually after two hours and adjusting to a new time zone, we arrived at Calais and we drove all the way to Bruges, Belgium. Passing a lot of countryside, Oh yeah I forgot to mention that we went to Bruges but here we are.

    We arrived at the hotel, an Ibis Budget, aka: a shithole. We climbed the flight of stairs required to get into the reception and we went up to our room. Let’s talk about the room and criticize all its issues.

    But before we do let’s talk about the bookstore next door to our hotel, it was called Standaard Boekhandel. I never went in the store but it had an owl next to the title as its logo. The bookstore ended up closing in 2019 but it’s still alive and flourshing in my memory. I imagine the children going inside, looking at the selection of books and choosing their favourite books despite it’s closure in 2019.

    Let’s get to the issues shall we.

    First of all: The room was so small you couldn’t swing a mouse in it or the average London apartment size, monthly rent £1,500 though. Yes that’s how tiny the room was.

    Second issue: The shower, it had two fuzzed out lines for your private areas to remain truly private. Too bad if youre too tall or too short then your parents or co-traveller(s) get to see you in all your glory. No one needs to see that.

    Third issue: WE WERE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THE FUCKING TRAIN STATION!!!!! Luckily during the whole trip no trains woke us up at 1am or decided to crash or anything so it wasn’t an issue but the placement was just plain wrong.

    Fourth issue: I had the top bunk again so I couldnt escape the head trauma after I had the top bunk on the last city break. Nice to know I can have head trauma once more.

    Fifth and final issue: I didnt have a fucking duvet instead what the Gods have gracefully given me was a wooly sage green blanket. Who decided “ah an 11 year old is staying with us, give her the green ITCHY blanket, make it extra itchy Jason”

    We put our luggage in the hotel and we went to look at the old town. My first focus was on the cobblestone streets and the small white building to my right hand side. We wandered around the old town and it had old fashioned buildings as well.

    We went in a cafe, it had portraits of dogs in military uniform on the wall, I had taken a Polaroid of it and called it Sir Puppers. I had ordered a hot chocolate and it was one of those where it comes with milk and the chocolate exists as this blob you dunk in. It was so good though, it came with these three disks of chocolate. One white, one milk, one dark.

    We had gotten waffles to celebrate the fact we were in Belguim and we werent wasting the chance for Belgian chocolate. I had a Biscoff waffle and it was fucking delicious.

    We went to a bar nearby afterwards and sat in it. Me and dad had a conversation about Belgium’s famous beer.

    We stayed there until we left for dinner and we went back to the hotel. Dad got me a duvet, don’t worry, I didn’t have to sleep with an itchy, sage green wooly blanket.

    April 6th 2018: We woke up and yet again I had more head injury because bunk beds in Europe can’t decide to cater to 4’11 girls.

    We decided to explore this little ancient city some more. I carried a Polaroid that I got for my birthday, around my neck to take as many photos as possible. Polaroids are a fucking inconvience as they take ages to actually take the bloody picture and walking down the street waving the fucking picture to get it to dry makes you look like a twat. I only took THREE polaroids that entire holiday. How did people in the 80s survive?

    We had passed a mini fairground made for the little kids, We ended up at a McDonalds because we needed breakfast but all they offered was a fucking continental, we wanted a typical maccies breakfast but instead we were offered a croissant with jam in it. We left after that in disapointment . Yep in Belgium you’re getting a croissant not a egg McMuffin.

    We went in a shop, it was huge in size. The name however has been lost in time. I kept wandering around the store seeing all the items in there and I even got a notebook from that place. I suddenly needed to go for a piss and the queue for the toilet was like the M25 during Friday rush hour. When I finally reached the end of the queue, expecting to finally be able to piss and then there was a sign saying you’ve got to pay 40 cents to use the toilet.


    Nicole payed the 40 cents and I got to go to the toilet. They say it’s really common in Europe but ever since this incident I haven’t payed for a single piss. It’s not worth it.

    After that we go on the boat trip across the Minniwater, we get onboard and we get sailing, instantly I spot the glistening blue of the water, it was the purest of blue. We looked around the medieval style houses and saw that in one of the houses, a dog stuck it’s head out of the window. We stopped at a museum because Nicole needed a piss, we didnt go inside. We took a walk all the way back to the old town, me looking at the newly born leaves on the trees and just vibing with the spring air around me.

    We went to a bar that afternoon and sat outside and some guy had arrived in a van and started unloading chips. He was unloading fucking pre-prepared chips in these plastic bags and taking them into the restaurant. It was the funniest thing.

    We went for dinner again, I don’t remember what we had. I’m a storyteller for sure but my memory isnt photographic.

    April 7th 2018: We woke up and we had to be up nice and early to catch our train. Dad had rushed out of our hotel to get breakfast while me and Nicole got ready to drive to Calais for the Eurostar. Dad ended up getting us a Subway for breakfast. We said Au Reviour or whatever language Bruges speak because Belguim can’t make up it’s fucking mind. Do you speak German? Do you speak French? Do you speak Dutch? Or do you speak that Flemish shit? Please decide Belgium.

    We started driving to Calais, the drive was perfectly fine until we arrived at the roundabout on the Eurostar. For about an hour we just kept going round the roundabout, going away from it and towards it again. Repeat cycle. Turns out we were in the frieght route and we didn’t even know it until someone told us and directed us towards the car section that we realized we had wasted an hour being stupid and then we headed onto the Eurostar.

    The train journey home was perfectly fine and we arrived home safe and sound and that’s the end of Chapter 2. I hope you enjoyed that and we have landed at our destination so bye passengers – Emily.

  • 2017: newbie traveller

    What were you doing in 2017? I remember what I was doing, I was planning my first ever city break. For the record; I’ve been going on holidays since 2008 but they were to either Mallorca, Futerventura or the two times I went to Disneyland Paris in 2011 and 2013 but i cant remember both times so they wont be discussed. I feel that my first city break is a good starting point for our journey of mayhem, madness and memories.

    Now I can hear you saying “where did you go?” I’ll tell you after I tell you how we planned it.

    I orginally wanted to go to Vienna but not because I knew anything about the city but because I had an OC at the time who lived there and I wondered what it’d be like, living and seeing what she experienced, just in the modern day. We didn’t go to Vienna, that wouldn’t be for another 2 years, we instead the location I’m going to talk about today.


    Yep I lost my city break virginity to Copenhagen herself at 10, somewhere had to.

    After several months of planning and telling people at my school and my family. On November 8th 2017, we went to Copenhagen. It was me, dad and my stepmum, who I’ll call Nicole. Immediatly as soon I was waiting to board the plane, I noticed something off. I realized I was the only kid in that whole line, it was mostly men in suits not girls wanting to freeze to death.

    During this entire holiday, I drew this comic, well it wasn’t a comic, it was a weird thing of me going to Tokyo with Taylor Swift. Now ever since LWYMMD came out in August 2017, I’ve been in love with Taylor Swift, she’s just enchanting and talented and beautiful. Kids, this is how I realized I was bisexual! Thats a post within itself…. BACK TO THE STORY!

    We landed, went on the train and headed for Cabbin City, our hotel we’d be staying in for the next few days. We went to our room. Dad and Nicole had the double bed and I had the top bunk of doom. We watched a Simpsons episode before going out for dinner.

    We went to a pizza place and I cant remember it cause I was so sleepy, I was only 10 years old and it was the first city break, of course I was gonna be tired. Then we went back to the hotel and went to bed.

    Next day, I woke up, in my top bunk and bumped my head. Another day of concussions left to go from here. The bunk bed was too little for me to sit up in so when I woke up each morning. BONK! went my head and I’d have the feeling of a hammer hitting my head like it wanted me to suffer. I was only 4’11 at the time (I’m only 5’1 now. rip me)

    We got ready and headed for breakfast. I was so disapointed to find out that in a forgien country that they were was no English food. 10 year old me was really fucking dumb.

    All three of us had just one word in our minds. Tivoli’s.

    After our continental breakfast, we got our coats, hats and gloves on and headed for Tivoli’s, which is a theme park and garden in Copenhagen, about 500m away from our hotel. We walked up with excitement and then we saw the closed gates and the lock. It was closed, our faces turned from excitement to pure disappointment . Turns out it’s only really open 5 months a year, April – September. It has a Halloween festival in early October and a Christmas festival from mid November to January.

    This is November 9th 2017, it would be just a few days before it opened again, so we walked on, I remember this building, I think it was a museum, it had a poster for an exhibiton of Tutankhamun. I still remember this poster just because it was close to our hotel.

    I saw something new I had never seen before. A 7/11, yep i got excited over a fucking 7/11 becasue I love novelty and again I was 10, being a child means you get excited at things you’ve never seen before and go “oooooohh”.

    We had booked a boat trip for tomorrow. We had lunch at the local KFC, we had just ordered a bargain bucket and ate that cause we were hungry. It was eh at best and then we got the recipt and turns out you need a fucking mortgage to pay off that bargain bucket.

    Alright. It was £30.

    We left the resturant and walked around some more. We just admired the sights of Copenhagen, we walked to Nyhavn, the multicoloured buildings captivating my attention, they’re still some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, rainbow buildings shining, like a permament pride flag and I saw a little plaque on a building dedicated to Hans Christian Andersan, the original author of The Little Mermaid, who lived in Denmark during the 1800’s.

    We ended up in a cafe and I had a hot chocolate, all I remember is watching a Danish IKEA commerical, don’t know why but I do.

    We decided to go back to looking around the city, had dinner and it got dark and we got lost. Confusion was the only feeling shared between the three of us in those few moments . I remembered all the 7/11’s we had walked past on the way to there and the exact locations of them so if it weren’t for me, we’d probably be splashing money on a taxi, dad doesnt want to spend.

    Me and dad had a hobby on this holiday and a couple of them after this one, we decided to spot all the weird shop names and laugh at how stupid they are, like some of them are ONLY and Weekday. Me being a 10 year old autistic, I found it hilarious and it cut out the silence between us while walking around the high street.

    We walked back to the hotel after dinner and I crawled back into the bed of doom and watched the same Simpsons episode as the night prior. I yet again bumped my head and doodled my shitty little fantasy story because let me have my little fanfiction please 😦

    Day 3: We woke up in our bed and I yet again bumped my head, I dont know how I haven’t suffered any traumatic brain injury at this point. We got ready, me in my little pink bear-esque hat, my blue pop up coat and my purple star gloves.

    We went on our boat trip around the little mermaid statue. I remember we bought food from 7/11 before we went on a boat and that the guy commentating said that we were headed towards Sweden. We saw the sights, the boat stopped and we looked at the Little Mermaid statue, she had her tits out and she was bronze, we saw the Nordic sea behind her but she remained the ultimate focus.

    During that day aswell, we went up to the palace where Queen Margaret lives, it was a cream coloured building, we went up to it but we didnt go inside. I saw the Danish guards, they’re like the British ones but emo instead.

    We went in the Flying Tiger and we looked around it. Dad decided to play around with a piece of fake shit. Listen the Flying Tiger is a shop, well a chain of shops that sells everything from wet wipes to headphones, it will sell anything. We bought an umbrella and ran in the rain like a quirky girl running towards her lover in a shitty 90s romcom.

    November isn’t a very popular time of year to go on holiday ok.

    The last dinner, we were in an American themed resturant and I remember while we were eating, dad was counting the remaining money left, we had EXACTLY 110 Krone (£12:52) left to spend and that was it. After dinner we headed for the airport. We had an extra little bit of extra food from a shitty salad bar. There was a Lego store; I decided to do this little activity they had on the north-west corner of the store, we had to colour in an outline using nothing but Lego bricks and I stuck a few on this outline and then was called back by my dad. He handed me the last 40 Krone (£5) and I spent it on a pen, it had the Danish flag on it. It broke within a year, not worth the fiver.

    We went home late, We flew back home, in the line boarding, dad was talking about how lucky I was and Nicole was talking about how she didn’t go on holiday until she was 16 and that was to Gran Canaria, we hopped on our flight and we headed back to England. We arrived home around 11:30PM. We had a cup of tea and I was excited to go back to mum’s to get a new CD.

    It was November 10th 2017, Taylor Swift released “repuation” that day and about a month prior, I had pre-ordered it on Amazon along with the rest of her discography at that time. I won’t ever miss any deadline for a Taylor Swift release, not even 5 years later, I still love her. now

    We saw the little clock on the TV box turn from 11:59PM to 12AM, a new day. Remberance Day or 11th November if you’re American. I just talked to Dad and Nicole about how the holiday went.

    Then I went to bed and slept until, about 7:30AM that day. Thanks for reading about my first city break with my dad and Nicole. It was nearly 5 years ago, aka 1/3 of my life ago and I’ll be continuing my city break stories and this is story #1. There’s a lot more to go.

    Bye bye passengers – Emily

  • Who is “heartbreak airlines”